36 Questions to Fall in Love

Sit together and take turns. Three sets of twelve questions, from small talk to real talk, one at a time, with a pause between sets and your place saved.

For two people, one screen

Sit together. Take turns. Go a little deeper.

The famous closeness experiment: two people take turns answering 36 questions that start light and get more personal. In the 1997 study, pairs of strangers who did it in about 45 minutes ended up feeling closer than pairs who just made small talk. Play it with a partner, a date or a friend.

Three sets of twelve. We show one question at a time and tell you who answers first. You both answer every question.

Set IGetting to know you
Set IIGoing deeper
Set IIILetting each other in

Adapted from a 1997 study by Arthur Aron and colleagues, which used these questions to help pairs of strangers feel closer. It builds closeness; it cannot promise love.

All 36 questions, by set

Adapted in our own words from the 1997 study by Arthur Aron and colleagues, in the original order. Both people answer every question; take turns going first.

Set I: Getting to know you (questions 1 to 12)

Light and curious: dinner guests, perfect days, small habits.

If you could have dinner with anyone in the world, who would you choose?
Would you want to be famous? Famous for what?
Before you make a phone call, do you ever practice what you are going to say? Why?
What would your perfect day look like, from morning to night?
When did you last sing to yourself? And when did you last sing for someone else?
Say you live to 90, and for the last 60 years you can keep either the mind or the body of a 30-year-old. Which one do you keep?
Do you have a private hunch about how your life will end?
Name three things the two of you seem to have in common.
What in your life are you most thankful for?
If you could change one thing about the way you were brought up, what would it be?
Take four minutes and tell the other person the story of your life, with as much detail as you can.
If you could wake up tomorrow with one new quality or skill, what would you pick?

Set II: Going deeper (questions 13 to 24)

Memories, friendship, family and what really matters.

A crystal ball will tell you the truth about one thing: yourself, your life, your future, anything at all. What do you ask it?
Is there something you have wanted to do for a long time? What has stopped you so far?
What do you see as the biggest thing you have achieved in your life?
What do you value most in a friend?
Which memory do you treasure most?
What is the hardest memory you carry?
If you knew you had one year left to live, would you change anything about how you live now? Why?
What does friendship mean to you?
How big a part do love and affection play in your life?
Take turns naming something you see as a good quality in the other person, five each.
How close and warm is your family? Do you think your childhood was happier than most?
How do you feel about your relationship with your mother, or the person who raised you?

Set III: Letting each other in (questions 25 to 36)

The most personal set: honest, warm and a little brave.

Each make three true sentences that start with we. For example: we are both sitting here feeling…
Finish this sentence: I wish I had someone I could share … with.
If the two of you were going to become close friends, what would be important for the other person to know about you?
Tell the other person what you like about them. Be very honest, and say things you might not usually say to someone you just met.
Tell the other person about a moment in your life that embarrassed you.
When did you last cry in front of someone? And on your own?
Tell the other person something you already like about them.
What, if anything, is too serious to joke about?
If your life ended tonight with no chance to talk to anyone first, what would you most regret leaving unsaid? Why have you not said it yet?
Your home is on fire. Everyone you love and your pets are safe, and you have time for one last run inside to save one thing. What do you grab, and why?
Of everyone in your family, whose loss would hit you hardest? Why?
Share a personal problem and ask how the other person would handle it. Then ask them to tell you how you seem to feel about it.

The optional four minutes of eye contact at the end are not in the 1997 study; they come from Mandy Len Catron’s 2015 Modern Love essay.

The 36 questions come from a psychology study, not a dating app. In 1997, Arthur Aron and four colleagues published a paper in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin describing a simple way to build closeness between two people: take turns answering questions that become steadily more personal. Pairs of strangers, most of them university students, who went through the questions said they felt closer afterwards than pairs who spent the same time on small talk. The game above runs that same structure for two people on one screen, with every question rewritten in our own words and kept in the original order.

Where the 36 questions come from

The paper is called The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness. Its aim was practical: researchers needed a dependable way to create a feeling of closeness in the lab so they could study it. The answer was sustained, escalating, back-and-forth self-disclosure. Both people answer every question, and the three sets get deeper as they go. What the study measured was how close people felt after one session, not love, and not whether a relationship followed. The idea that the questions make people fall in love came later. In 2015, Mandy Len Catron wrote a Modern Love essay in The New York Times about trying the questions with an acquaintance and then looking into each other's eyes for four minutes, and the questions spread from there. That eye contact step comes from her essay; it is not part of the 1997 procedure.

How to play

Sit somewhere quiet, close enough to talk easily, with one phone or laptop between you. Add your names if you like; they only decide who answers first, and that switches with every question. Read the question out loud, both answer, and press Next. After twelve questions the game pauses for a short break before the next set begins. If you want the study's pacing, turn on the timer: it gives each set fifteen minutes and shows the clock, but nothing cuts you off. Question 11 asks for your life story in four minutes, and there is a timer for that too. Your place is saved in this browser, so you can stop after a set and pick up on another evening. At the end there is an optional four minutes of eye contact, for anyone who wants the full version.

The three sets

Set I is light: dinner guests, perfect days, whether you would want to be famous, the last time you sang. Set II moves to memories, friendship and family, and it is usually where pairs slow down. Set III is the most personal: honest things you like about each other, the last time you cried, a problem you would like advice on. A few questions in sets II and III touch on loss and death, as they did in the original. Answer as much as feels right. Passing on a question is fine, and so is coming back to it later.

Playing with a date, a partner or a friend

On a first or second date, the questions do what small talk cannot: they give both people permission to say something real. Take it slowly and do not push past what the other person offers. Couples who have been together for years often find set I surprisingly fun, because it asks things nobody asks after the first few months. The deeper sets can bring up old feelings, so pick a calm evening rather than the end of a long week. Friends can play too. The study paired strangers without any romance in mind, and the closeness it builds is not only the romantic kind. Long-distance couples can play over a video call, with one person sharing the screen, or both opening the page on their own devices and moving through the questions together.

What to do after question 36

Most people say the strangest part is how natural it feels by the end. There is no need to rush to name what you feel. If something one of you said stayed with you, ask about it again in a few days; that is how a good conversation keeps going. For more to talk about, try our deep conversation starters, or take the love language test one after the other and compare your answers. And if the questions stirred up something you would like to think through on your own, Lovon is an AI relationship coach you can talk to out loud, at your own pace.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Do the 36 questions really make you fall in love?

Not reliably, and the study never claimed they would. In 1997 the questions helped pairs of strangers feel closer after one session than pairs who made small talk. Love takes more than one evening, but the questions are a very good way to start really knowing someone.

Who created the 36 questions?

Psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues, in a 1997 paper in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. They designed the questions as a lab procedure for creating closeness between two people. The questions on this page are adapted in our own words, in the original order.

How long do the 36 questions take?

Plan on about 45 minutes. The study gave each of the three sets about fifteen minutes, and you can turn on the same pacing with the timer. Many people take longer, and that is fine.

Do both people answer every question?

Yes. Both of you answer each question, and the person who goes first switches every time. The game shows whose turn it is to start, using your names if you added them.

Where does the four minutes of eye contact come from?

From Mandy Len Catron's 2015 Modern Love essay in The New York Times, which made the questions famous. It is not part of the 1997 study. Here it is optional, after question 36, with a timer.

Can we stop and finish later?

Yes. Your place is saved in this browser after every question, so the next time you open the page you can pick up where you left off. Nothing you say is recorded; the game only remembers which question you were on.

Can friends or long-term couples use the 36 questions?

Yes. The original study paired strangers, not couples, and the closeness it builds is not only romantic. Long-term couples often enjoy the first set most, because it asks things nobody asks after the early months.

Is it okay to skip a question?

Yes. Some questions touch on family, loss and regret. Answer as much as feels right, pass on what does not, and come back to it another time if you want to.