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What to Text Your Ex (and Whether to Send It)

Not sure what to text your ex? This chat starts with why you are texting them. Say the reason, how it ended and how long ago, and get three versions from cool to warm, the replies you are most likely to get, including none, and what not to send. No sign-up.

Tell me why you want to text them: logistics, a birthday, closure, staying friends, answering something they sent, or ending a stretch of no contact. Add how it ended and how long ago. I will write three versions at different levels of warmth and tell you which replies are most likely, including none.

Tell me why you want to text them: logistics, a birthday, closure, staying friends, answering something they sent, or ending a stretch of no contact. Add how it ended and how long ago. I will write three versions at different levels of warmth and tell you which replies are most likely, including none.

Nothing here sends anything. Wait twenty minutes before you send it, then read it once more.

This is support, not therapy, and it is not a diagnosis. If you are in immediate danger call 911. If you are having thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988 in the US for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. If you are afraid of a partner, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.

Want to keep going without a session limit? The Lovon app is the same approach, any hour.

Most texts to an ex go wrong before the first word. You open the thread, scroll past the last fight, and start typing without deciding what the message is for. So it tries to do three things at once: return the hoodie, find out if they are okay, and check whether the door is still open. They will read all three, and answer the one you least wanted to show.

This chat starts with the reason. Tell it why you are texting, how it ended and how long ago, and it writes three versions at different levels of warmth, tells you the replies you are most likely to get, including none, and names what not to send.

1

Decide what the text is for

Every reason has a different right size.

Logistics, like returning things or splitting a bill, should read like logistics. Two lines, a time, a place, nothing about the relationship.

A birthday is one line. Happy birthday, hope it is a good one. Adding a memory turns a wish into an opening, and they will notice.

Closure is usually not a text. If you want to tell them what the relationship meant, write it out for yourself first and see what is left that actually needs sending. Often it is nothing, or one sentence.

Staying friends needs a real reason to talk, not the idea of friendship. Answering something they sent depends on what they sent. And breaking no contact gets its own section below.

If the honest reason is that you want them back, admit that to yourself and read how to get your ex back before you write anything. That is a different job, and it starts with different questions.

2

Three temperatures of the same message

You cannot judge warmth from inside the feeling. Seeing the same message at three temperatures makes the choice obvious. Say you still have their jacket.

Cool: I still have your jacket. I can drop it with your sister this week, or leave it at the front desk Friday. Whatever is easier.

Middle: Hey, I still have your jacket. Happy to drop it off whenever works, no rush.

Warm: Hi. I found your jacket at the back of my closet and it made me smile. Want me to bring it by this week?

All three are fine. Only one matches what you can handle hearing back. If a no, or silence, after the warm one would wreck your week, send the cool one.

3

End without a question

A text that ends with a question hands them a job. A text that ends with a plain statement, or with no need to reply, leaves them free to answer or not, and that freedom is what makes answering feel easy.

Not: Hey, been thinking about you, how have you been? Are you doing okay? Instead: Saw the band you love is touring in May. Hope you get tickets.

4

After no contact

The first text after a stretch of no contact should not mention the no contact. No "I know it has been a while", no recap of why you went quiet, no announcement that you are better now. Pick something ordinary and specific and keep it to two lines. If they reply, you can talk. If they do not, you have not undone what you built.

If you are reaching for your phone because of a bad night rather than a decision, that is worth noticing first. The no contact plan is built around exactly those hours.

5

What not to send

A long message after midnight. A bare "hey", which makes them do all the work of guessing what you want. "I am doing great" when you are not; they will hear it. A screenshot of something about them you found online. A "sorry, wrong person" text that was meant for them all along. Anything you would not want read aloud to their friends.

6

If nothing comes back

Silence is a common reply, and it is an answer too. Do not send a second message asking whether they got the first. Give it a week before you read anything into it, and then let it be what it is.

If they blocked you, asked you not to contact them, or there is a protective order, the right text is no text. If they ever hurt or scared you, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, you can text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. If this has you thinking about hurting yourself, call or text 988 in the US.

Not sure you should text at all? The should I text my ex quiz is the step before this one. Already wrote a draft and cannot decide? Paste it into should I send this text instead.

Lovon is a voice AI companion built with PhD psychologists, drawing on CBT and EFT. You can say the message out loud and talk through what you really want from it before you send anything. It is support around a hard conversation, not a licensed therapist.

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Frequently Asked Questions

What should I text my ex?

Whatever matches the actual reason you are texting, at the smallest size that does the job. Logistics should read like logistics. A birthday is one line. Reconnecting starts with something ordinary and specific, not the relationship. Avoid questions that demand an answer, and avoid anything you would be embarrassed to have read aloud. If you cannot say in one sentence what the text is for, wait until you can.

How do I text my ex without looking desperate?

Keep it short, specific, and free of requests. Desperation shows up as length, as questions stacked at the end, as texting late at night, and as a second message when the first gets no reply. One or two lines about something real, sent at a normal hour, with room not to answer, reads as someone who is okay. Being okay with no reply is the part that cannot be faked.

What should the first text after no contact say?

Something ordinary that does not mention the no contact. Skip the recap, the apology for going quiet, and any announcement that you have changed. Two lines about a real, specific thing, and nothing that asks to talk. If you are breaking no contact because of a hard night rather than a decision, notice that before you press send, because the text will carry that night with it.

What if my ex does not reply?

Then that is the reply, at least for now. Do not send a follow-up asking whether they saw it, and do not go through their profile for clues. Give it a week before you decide what it means. If you would only be okay with one specific answer, the text was carrying more than it said, and it helps to work out what that was before you send anything else.

Is my message private? Do I need an account?

No account, no email, no sign-up. What you type goes to the coach so it can write the drafts and is not stored on this page after you close the tab. Nothing is sent to your ex, and nothing can be sent from here. You can leave names out entirely and the drafts still work. Copy anything you want to keep before you close the tab.

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See also

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