How to Flirt: What to Say, Text, and Do (Even If Shy)

To flirt, show someone that you enjoy them and that you are a little interested, in a way light enough that they can play along or let it pass. Hold eye contact a beat longer, smile, tease gently, ask about what they care about, and give one specific compliment. Then watch how they respond and match their energy instead of pushing past it.

1. Start a real conversation about something you are both seeing or doing.
2. Hold eye contact a second longer than usual, then smile.
3. Ask a follow-up question that proves you were listening.
4. Give one specific compliment about something they chose.
5. Tease lightly about small things, never sore spots.
6. Match their energy and let them meet you halfway.
7. Say one clear thing or suggest a plan once the interest is mutual.
8. Take a soft no as a no and leave on a friendly note.

What flirting is, and why it works

Flirting is a way of saying "I like you a little" without saying it outright. The light, slightly ambiguous tone is the point. It lets two people test the water without anyone having to accept or reject anything yet. Good flirting feels like an invitation: either person can step closer or step back, and nobody loses face.

There is no single right way to do it. Researchers who built a questionnaire on how people show romantic interest described five flirting styles: traditional, physical, sincere, playful, and polite.^[1] In everyday terms, some people flirt through real conversation and emotional connection, some through banter, some mostly through body language, and some carefully, by the rules. You do not need to become a smooth talker. You need to find the version that is already yours and turn it up a notch.

Also know this before you start: flirting is easy to miss. When pairs of strangers talked for 10 to 12 minutes, people were better at telling that flirting had not happened than that it had.^[2] If you are flirting so subtly that you could deny it, the other person may honestly not notice. At some point you will have to be a little clearer than feels comfortable.

How to flirt in person

Let your body do half of it

• Eye contact. Hold it a beat longer than you normally would, smile, look away, and come back to it later.
• Attention. Face them, put your phone away, and lean in slightly when they talk. Being fully present is rarer than being clever.
• Smile when you mean it. You do not need a fixed grin. Laugh when something is actually funny.
• Touch, only when it is mutual. A brief touch on the arm when you are both laughing can say a lot. If they stiffen, lean away, or do not return it, stop and do not try again.

Start with the moment, not a line

The openers that work are about something you are both experiencing. They are easy to answer, and they do not put the other person on the spot.

Skip cheesy pick-up lines said with a straight face, comments about a stranger's body, and "negging," the backhanded compliment meant to knock someone down a peg. All three make people defensive, and the last one is manipulation dressed up as flirting.

Tease the way friends do

Playful teasing is light, about choices rather than traits, and both of you end up laughing:

"You put ketchup on that? I'm going to need a minute."

"That's very competitive for someone who said they don't care about trivia."

Never tease about weight, looks, money, an accent, or anything a person cannot change or seems sensitive about. If a joke misses, own it and move on: "Okay, that was funnier in my head."

Make compliments specific

"You have nice eyes" is fine. "You tell stories like you're doing stand-up. I'd buy a ticket" is better, because it is about them and not their parts. Compliment what someone chose: their laugh, the book they are reading, the way they explained something, a bold jacket. Specific compliments are harder to brush off and easier to believe.

How to flirt over text

Text flirting runs on two things: personality and momentum.

• Call back to something real. "Still thinking about your airport snack ranking. Pretzels at number one is a bold choice."
• Ask questions that are fun to answer. "Settle a debate: is a hot dog a sandwich?" A round of Would You Rather gives you plenty to borrow.
• Tease lightly and show your tone. A winking or laughing emoji helps when a joke could read as a dig.
• Keep it short. Leave room for them to reply. One unanswered text is fine. Three in a row is pressure.
• Move it into real life. "We should finish this argument in person. Coffee Thursday?"

Leave out sexual messages to someone who has not shown that kind of interest, a 1 a.m. "wyd" as your only move, long paragraphs early on, and waiting hours to reply on purpose so you seem less interested. That last one is a game, and it mostly teaches the other person that you are hard to read. Before you send something you are unsure about, run it past Should I Send This Text? If you are stuck on a particular match, the AI dating coach gives you an honest read on the conversation and replies in your own voice.

How to flirt with a girl, and how to flirt with a guy

The basics do not change with gender, but a few things are worth knowing.

How to flirt with a girl

Many women deal with a lot of attention they did not ask for, so the most attractive thing you can do is make it easy for her to say no. Approach when she is free to leave: not when she has headphones in, is clearly busy, or is stuck somewhere, like a train or her job. Open with a comment, not a speech. If her answers are short or she turns away, say "Nice talking to you" and go. "I have a boyfriend" is a no whether or not the boyfriend exists, so do not argue with it.

How to flirt with a guy

Hints often go unnoticed, so be a little more direct than feels natural. You can make the first move: "You're really fun to talk to. We should hang out, just us." A sincere, specific compliment can land harder than you expect. If he seems shy, give him an easy opening, like a plan he only has to say yes to.

When you are not sure they are into your gender

Keep it light and friendly, and let them show interest back before you turn anything up. Do not assume either way.

How to flirt when you are shy

Shy people often think flirting means being loud and witty. It does not. The sincere style, paying close attention and showing real interest in the person, is flirting, and it suits quiet people well.

• Start where you are comfortable. Text, a class, a shared activity, or a group where you know a few people.
• Bring two or three questions you actually want answered. The First Date Questions tool helps you build them around a specific person.
• Say the nervous part out loud. "Sorry, I'm a little nervous. You're kind of intimidating, in a good way." Honesty is disarming, and it is a compliment.
• Set a tiny goal. One conversation, one compliment, or one question. Not "get a date."
• Remember the liking gap. After talking with someone new, people tend to underestimate how much the other person liked them.^[3] You probably came across better than your replay says.

If nerves hit hardest right before you meet, first date anxiety has ways to calm your body down first.

How to tell if they are flirting back

They are probably into it if they ask about you, extend the conversation, tease you back, touch your arm, find you again later, or jump on a plan you suggest. They are probably not if their answers get shorter, their eyes keep drifting, their body turns away, they mention a partner, or they stay polite but never ask you anything.

One sign on its own means little. What matters is whether they meet you halfway. For a closer read on one person, see how to tell if a guy likes you or how to know if she likes you, or sort what you have seen with the Do They Like Me? quiz.

Flirting or pressure: where the line is

Flirting is an invitation. Pressure is acting as if the answer does not matter.

• A soft no is a no. "I'm good," "maybe another time," a laugh and a change of subject, short replies, looking around for their friends.
• Ask once. If they say no or "not right now," do not ask again in different words.
• Touch only when it is welcome, and stop the moment they pull back.
• Leave them a way out. Do not block a doorway, follow someone, or wait for them after they have ended the conversation.
• Assume friendliness at work is the job. Servers, bartenders, and baristas are paid to be warm and cannot easily walk away.
• Coworkers get one clear invitation, and never anyone you supervise or who reports to you.
• Keep it to talk if they have been drinking a lot. Anything more can wait for a sober yes.

Persistence after a no is not romantic. It is what makes people uneasy, and it is the opposite of what flirting is for.

What to do when flirting falls flat

It will sometimes, and not every miss is a rejection. People are tired, taken, distracted, or just not in the mood to flirt that day.

• A joke does not land: "Okay, that was funnier in my head." Then move on.
• They are clearly not interested: "It was nice talking to you. Have a good night." Leave while it is still pleasant.
• A text goes unanswered: One light follow-up a few days later, at most. After that, the silence is the answer.

Do not sulk, insult them, or ask what is wrong with you. A miss tells you about fit and timing, not about your worth. If one small rejection ruins your whole week, the rejection sensitivity test may help explain why it hits so hard.

How to flirt with your partner

Flirting is not only for new people. Couples who still tease each other, compliment each other, and send a "can't stop thinking about last night's dinner" text keep some of the early spark going. Catch their eye across a room. Leave a note. Flirt over text during the workday just as you did at the start. For more ideas, see how to be romantic.

The most common mistake

The most common mistake is staying so subtle that nothing ever happens. You joke, you hint, you hope they work it out, and months later you are still "just friends" who flirt sometimes. The fix is one clear sentence once they are flirting back: "I like talking to you. Want to get a drink Friday?" If finding those words is the hard part, How to Tell Someone You Like Them helps.

The opposite mistake is going all in before they have given you anything back. Flirting works in small steps, each one matched by the other person.

Like any skill, flirting gets easier with reps, and the first reps do not have to be with the person you like. Tell Lovon, an AI relationship coach you talk to by voice, who you have your eye on and where you usually freeze, and try a few openers out loud until one feels natural.