When anger comes, it comes out loud

What this means

The part of anger that stands out in your answers is the heat: what anger looks like once it is out. It may not come often, but when it arrives, it tends to come out as volume, a raised voice or shouting, as force against objects, a slammed door, a hit table, something thrown, or as words chosen to wound, such as insults or swearing.

People who answer this way often say they just let it out and then it is over. For the people on the other end, it usually is not. Shouting, slamming and cutting words land as threat, whether or not any threat is meant, and the person on the receiving end remembers them long after the moment has passed.

What it costs

At work and in public, the cost is reputation and risk. At home, the cost is honesty. When disagreeing with you can end in a raised voice or a slammed door, the people you live with adapt. They raise things less often, keep things from you and give in to end an argument rather than because they agree. You end up with quiet where you wanted to be heard.

Children take in more than adults expect. They do not need to be the target to be affected by shouting or by things thrown nearby.

One line worth drawing

There is a difference between having a temper and making someone afraid. If your partner or your children go quiet when you get angry, change their plans to avoid setting you off, or have ever been hurt or cornered, or had something thrown near them during an argument, a quiz cannot sort that out. It is the point to talk to a professional. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) takes calls from people worried about their own behavior, not only from people being harmed, and can point you to programs built for this.

What to do next

Make leaving the room the move. Agree on it in advance with the people you live with: a set phrase, such as "I need twenty minutes, I will come back", and then come back and finish the conversation calmly. Leaving only works as a tool if the return is reliable.

Lower the volume physically when you notice the heat. Sit down, unclench your hands and speak more slowly than feels natural. Anger follows the body more than people expect.

At a calm moment, ask the people closest to you whether they are ever afraid of you, and listen to the whole answer without defending yourself.

If you want somewhere to work out what sits under the anger before the next argument, Lovon can help, alongside professional help rather than instead of it.