You turn the volume down

What this means

The form of avoidance that stands out for you is distraction and numbing. You do not argue with feelings so much as drown them out. The podcast goes on the moment you are alone. The phone comes out in every gap. Evenings fill up on purpose, work runs late on purpose, and a drink, a snack or a shopping cart takes the edge off when the edge appears. Quiet, empty time is the thing you arrange your life to avoid.

This is the most socially acceptable form of avoidance, which is why it is so common and so easy to miss. Being busy looks productive. Always having something on looks like having interests. Nobody stages an intervention over a podcast. But the function is the same as any other avoidance: the feeling never gets a turn.

What it costs

The first cost is that feelings get postponed rather than processed. They wait, and they tend to arrive all at once when the noise finally stops: on holiday, after a breakup, during an illness, or at three in the morning when there is nothing left to put on.

The second cost is dependence on the tools. Anything that reliably takes the edge off a feeling can start to be needed for that purpose. With screens and busyness that mostly costs time and attention. With alcohol, food or other substances it can cost more, and it is worth being honest with yourself about which tools are on your list.

The third cost is to closeness. A partner who wants to talk at the end of the day may be competing with the thing you use to not feel the day. Quiet evenings, long drives, lying awake next to each other: the unstructured time where couples tend to say real things is exactly the time you keep filling.

How this differs from low distress tolerance

Numbing can look like the fast exits in the distress tolerance test, but the timing is different. Low distress tolerance is reaching for an exit once a feeling hits. Numbing is preventive: you keep the volume up so the feeling never gets loud enough to need an exit.

What to do next

Make one gap a day on purpose. Ten minutes with nothing on: a walk without headphones, a coffee without the phone. Notice what shows up, without needing to act on it.

Watch the function, not the activity. The same show can be rest or avoidance. The question is whether you are choosing it or using it to not feel something.

If one tool on your list has started to feel necessary, take that seriously and talk to someone about it.

When something does surface in the quiet, Lovon is there to talk it through.