Replaying what already happened

What this means

Of the three loops this test scores, replaying the past is the one that stands out in your answers. You leave a conversation and run it again on the way home, then again in bed, checking how something sounded. A mistake at work gets reviewed long after it has been fixed. An old decision, a job you turned down, a relationship you ended, comes back with the same question attached: what if I had done it differently.

The future and other people may take up less of your thinking. Your loop runs backwards.

Why replaying feels useful

Replaying feels like learning. The mind goes back to an event because it seems unfinished, and going over it again feels like the responsible thing to do. The trouble is that after the first pass or two, nothing new is being learned. The replay is not adding information. It is looking for a feeling, usually certainty that it was fine or a clean verdict that it was not, and when that feeling does not arrive, the replay starts again.

Replays also tend to ask why. Why did I say that, why did they react like that, why does this always happen. Why-questions about the past rarely have answers you can act on, which is exactly what keeps them open.

What it is not

Replaying is the shape of the thought, not its content. If what you replay is mostly a harsh verdict on yourself, the shame test looks at that more closely. If what you replay is mostly whether someone has cooled on you, the rejection sensitivity test will probably fit better. And if the trouble is how long a setback takes to wear off, the resilience test fits better.

One interrupt to try

Swap the question. When you notice a replay starting, stop asking why and ask: what do I need now? Maybe the answer is to apologize for one sentence. Maybe it is to accept that the conversation was imperfect and is over. Maybe it is sleep. A what-question points forward, and it usually has an answer.

Then close it on paper. Write the event in two lines: what happened, and what, if anything, you will do about it. If there is an action, do it or put it in your calendar. If there is none, write "nothing to do" and put the note away. When the replay comes back, you can tell yourself, accurately, that it has been dealt with.

What to do next

Pick one replay that has been running this week and do the two-line close. Then notice how often it comes back.

If one conversation keeps replaying because something still needs to be said, Lovon can help you work out what that is and how to say it.