Questions to Ask Your Ex: For Closure or Getting Back

The best questions to ask your ex depend on what you want from the talk. For closure, ask what ended it for them and what they wish had gone differently. Before getting back together, ask what has actually changed and how you would handle the old problem next time. Ask a few open questions, then listen. Some answers you will have to give yourself.

This page has questions for each of those situations, the ones to skip, and the questions to ask yourself before you ask your ex anything.

First, decide what you want from the conversation

Before you write a single question, finish this sentence: "After this talk I hope to..." The ending matters, because each goal needs different questions.

• Closure. You want to understand what happened so you can stop replaying it. You are not trying to change anything.
• A second chance. You want to find out whether getting back together could work, and you are ready to hear that it cannot.
• Understanding yourself. You want honest feedback to take into your next relationship.

If your honest answer is "to get them back," be careful. Questions asked to persuade sound like questions, but the other person can feel the pressure in them, and that usually ends the conversation. The Should I Get Back With My Ex? quiz can help you work out whether you want the relationship or mostly want the pain to stop.

Questions to ask your ex for closure

These help you understand the ending without asking your ex to fix your feelings.

1. When did you first start to feel that things were not working?
2. Was there a moment you knew it was over for you?
3. What do you think we could not fix, no matter how hard we tried?
4. What did you need from me that you were not getting?
5. Is there anything you wish you had said while we were together?
6. Is there something you think I misunderstood about you?
7. What will you remember fondly about us?
8. Is there anything you would like to ask me?

Ask two or three of these, not all eight. The goal is a conversation, not an interview.

Questions to ask before getting back together

If you are both considering a second chance, these questions test whether anything is actually different.

1. What do you think really went wrong between us?
2. What part of it was yours, and what part was mine?
3. What have you changed since we broke up, not just decided to change?
4. When the old problem shows up again, what will we do differently?
5. What made you want to try again now?
6. What would make you leave again?
7. How will we handle it if one of us starts to pull away?
8. Are we getting back together because we are lonely, or because we want each other?

Listen for specifics. "I've been going to therapy and I've learned I shut down when I feel criticized" is an answer. "It will be different this time" is a hope. Couples who get back together often break up again for the same reason, because whatever ended it is still there, so concrete answers matter more than good intentions. The Will My Ex Come Back? quiz and the article on whether exes come back look at this from the other side.

Questions to ask your ex to understand yourself

These are for people who want to learn something for the next relationship. They work best a while after the breakup, when both of you are calmer.

1. What was it like to be in a relationship with me, at my best and at my worst?
2. Was there something I did that made you feel unheard?
3. What did I do that you wish more people did?
4. If you could give me one piece of honest advice, what would it be?

You do not have to accept every answer as the truth about you. Treat it as one person's view, and look for the parts you have heard before from others.

Deep questions to ask your ex boyfriend or girlfriend you still love

If you still have feelings, the questions get harder, because part of you is listening for hope. These keep the conversation honest:

1. Do you think we were good for each other?
2. What do you miss, if anything?
3. Do you think we ended for the right reasons?
4. Is there any part of you that wants to try again, or is that door closed?

Ask the last one only if you are ready for a no. A clear no hurts, but it ends the waiting.

Questions not to ask your ex

Some questions feel urgent but rarely help:

• "Are you seeing someone?" The answer either hurts or gives false hope, and it is not your business anymore.
• "Was it all my fault?" Breakups are almost never one person's fault, and the question asks them to manage your guilt.
• "Do you still love me?" Love and wanting a relationship are different things, so even a yes rarely means what you want it to.
• "Why are you so happy without me?" You are seeing their highlight reel, not their life.
• "Can we still be friends?" Wait until you are not hoping for more. Can you be friends with an ex explains why timing matters.

Questions to ask yourself first

Some of the most important answers will never come from your ex. Before you reach out, try answering these yourself:

1. What am I really hoping they will say?
2. If they say the opposite, will I be okay?
3. What did I already know about why it ended?
4. Am I reaching out for them, or for the version of me who was with them?
5. What would I tell a friend in my position?

If your answers show you are mostly looking for relief, it may be better to wait. No contact for a few weeks often makes the conversation calmer, or shows you do not need it after all.

How to ask your ex these questions

• Ask in the right setting. A calm phone call or a short coffee works better than a long text thread, but text is fine if it is safer or easier for both of you.
• Ask permission first. "Would you be open to talking about how things ended? I have a couple of questions." Respect a no.
• Keep it short. Two or three questions, then listen. Do not argue with their answers.
• Have an exit line. "Thank you for being honest. I think that's all I needed." End it before it turns into a fight or a reunion you did not plan.

If you are not sure what to send, the What to Text Your Ex tool helps you find a first message, and an unsent letter lets you say everything without sending anything.

When not to ask at all

If your ex hurt you, threatened you or controlled you, you do not owe them a conversation and you do not need their answers to heal. Closure can come from you, a trusted friend or a counselor. If you feel unsafe, do not contact them.

If you want to try the conversation before you have it, saying the questions out loud helps you hear which ones really matter to you. Practice it with Lovon first, and notice which answer you are afraid of.