Collaborating: both sides win

What this means

Your answers are high on digging for a third option, and at least moderate on pressing your case and on making room for the other person. You say plainly what you want, and you also ask what matters most to the other person. You lay both sets of concerns out before proposing a fix, pause a disagreement when you need more information, and come back to it. And your disagreements often end with an option neither of you started with.

In the classic five-style picture of conflict handling, that is collaborating: high concern for your own outcome and for theirs, and the work of finding something that serves both. It is the most demanding of the five styles, and the one most likely to produce decisions both people stand behind.

Where collaborating works

It is the right approach when the issue matters to both of you, when you will live or work with the outcome for a long time, and when there is time to talk. Many of the most important decisions in a relationship, about money, children or where to live, fit that description.

Where it costs

Collaboration takes time and energy, and not every disagreement deserves them. Applied to everything, it can wear people out, or feel to others as if you cannot let a small thing go. Some people also find it frustrating when they wanted a quick answer and got a workshop.

It also depends on the other person. Collaborating with someone who is competing can leave you laying out your concerns while they use them. If you notice that, it is fine to switch style.

What to do next

Choose where to spend it. Use the full process on decisions that matter and that you will both live with. For small things, compromise or give way on purpose.

Keep it short where you can. Even a two-minute version, "what do you need, here's what I need, what would cover both?", gets most of the benefit.

Help others do it too. People who collaborate well often lead simply by asking the first question, and the habit spreads at home and at work.

Notice who gets left out. In groups, collaboration can turn into a conversation between the two most confident people, so ask the quieter ones directly what they need.

If your disagreements with a partner are more emotional than practical, the conflict style test looks at how those arguments run.

When a big decision is on the table, Lovon is there to help you map both sides before the conversation.