A running argument with yourself

What this means

All three parts are raised in your answers. The flaws are being fought, the past is being re-argued, and the feelings are being judged as they arrive. At this level self-rejection is less a reaction to particular things and more a standing condition: you are in an argument with yourself that does not stop, and you are losing it from both sides.

That is the mechanism worth naming, because the fight itself is now the main problem, more than anything it is about. Every flaw you argue with produces a feeling you then argue with, which produces a verdict about the kind of person who would feel that, which goes into the file of things about yourself you cannot accept. The loop feeds itself, and effort put into winning the argument only makes it louder.

It also explains why advice tends to fail at this level. "Love yourself" asks for a leap from war to affection with no stops in between. The realistic first step is much smaller and less pleasant-sounding: a ceasefire. Not liking the parts, just stopping the attack on them for long enough to see them clearly.

In relationships, a standing argument with yourself makes it very hard to take in being accepted by someone else. A partner's kindness can feel like a mistake they have not noticed yet, so it gets tested, pushed away or explained. That is not a character flaw. It is what happens when the inside view and the outside view disagree this much.

Please read this part

At this level a low, flat mood often travels alongside, and the two feed each other. If the flatness has lasted more than a couple of weeks, or your sleep, appetite or interest in things has changed, raise it with a doctor. If the argument has turned into thoughts of hurting yourself, call or text 988 in the US at any hour, and if you are in danger right now, call 911.

What to do next

The honest recommendation is not to do this one alone. A therapist is the most direct route, and self-rejection at this level is something people do work through with help.

Meanwhile, practice the ceasefire in small doses. When you catch yourself attacking a feeling, try one sentence: "This is how I feel right now, and I do not have to argue with it." No affection required.

Take one argument off the table at a time, starting with the oldest and smallest.

And read this result as a description of a pattern that is running, not a ruling on what you are. Patterns move, often more readily than they seem to from the inside.

Lovon is there to talk to at any hour, as support alongside a doctor or therapist, not instead of one.