Anger that ends up hurting you

What this means

The area that stands out in your answers is what anger does to you. Your anger may not be costing much at home or at work, but it is costing you: hours of shame after you lose your temper, nights lying awake angry, a sense that once anger starts you cannot stop it, and possibly hurting yourself when you are angry, such as punching a wall or hitting yourself.

This pattern is easy to miss, because from outside it can look as if you handle anger well. Often the opposite is true. You may hold yourself to a strict standard about anger, so each time it slips, the anger turns into a verdict about you. Then the shame becomes one more thing to be angry about.

What it costs

Shame after an outburst feels like taking responsibility, but it rarely changes the next one. It mostly makes the anger heavier, and it makes apologizing harder, because facing the other person means facing the feeling again.

The body keeps a record too. Lying awake replaying, a jaw that is always tight and headaches after a bad day are common with this result. Hitting walls or yourself can break bones, and it is also a sign that the anger has nowhere else to go.

One line worth drawing

If you hurt yourself when you are angry, or anger turns into thoughts of harming yourself, please talk to someone soon rather than waiting for it to pass. In the US you can call or text 988, any hour. A doctor or a counselor can help with both the anger and whatever sits under it.

What to do next

Separate the act from the verdict. After an outburst, name what you did in one sentence and what you will do about it in another: "I shouted at him. I will apologize tonight." That is responsibility. Hours of attacking yourself are not.

Give the body somewhere to put it. When anger rises and you feel the urge to hit something, move instead. Walk fast, run, push against a wall with your hands flat, or hold something cold. These release the charge without injury.

Protect your sleep. If anger is keeping you up, write down what happened and what you will do about it tomorrow before bed, and leave the rest on the page.

Notice what the anger is about. Anger that keeps turning inward often started as anger at someone else that felt unsafe or pointless to express. Naming who it was really meant for can loosen it.

If you want somewhere to say both the angry part and the ashamed part out loud, Lovon is there at any hour, alongside a doctor or a counselor, not instead of them.