Respect through intimidation

What this means

The sign of hypermasculinity that runs highest in your answers is dominance used as status. Not every part will fit. Disagreements with strangers may have ended with you squaring up or shouting. Disrespect in front of others tends to get answered, even at the cost of a scene. And if you answered Sometimes or Often about arguments at home, raising your voice or standing over someone has become a way to make them back down.

The rule underneath is that respect is something you take, and that letting a challenge pass costs you standing. From inside it feels like self-respect. The trouble is what it actually produces. People around a man who intimidates do not respect him more. They become careful around him. From the outside, careful looks a lot like respect, and it is easy to mistake one for the other for years.

What it costs

In public the cost is risk. A confrontation with a stranger can go wrong in seconds, and how the other person reacts is not something you control.

At home the cost is honesty. When disagreeing with you can end in shouting, the people you live with adapt. They pick their moments, keep things from you, and end arguments by giving in rather than by agreeing. You get quiet where you wanted respect.

One line worth drawing

There is a difference between having a temper and making someone afraid. If your partner or your children go quiet when you get angry, change their plans to avoid setting you off, or have ever been hurt or cornered during an argument, that is not something a quiz can sort out. It is the point to involve a professional. Programs exist for men who want to stop being frightening at home, and contacting one takes more nerve than any fight.

If you are reading this because someone behaves this way toward you, a self-test about your own behavior is the wrong tool. The Are They a Red Flag? quiz and the Is My Relationship Healthy? quiz are written for that situation.

What to do next

Find the moment before. Most escalations have a first sign you can learn: heat in the face, a clenched jaw, a step forward. Learn yours, and make leaving the room at that point the move, with a line like "I need to cool off, we will finish this in an hour".

Ask the people you live with whether they are ever afraid of you, and listen to the whole answer without defending yourself. A quick no does not settle it, because someone who is afraid of you may not feel able to say so.

If you want somewhere to work out what sits under the anger before the next argument, Lovon can help, alongside professional help rather than instead of it.